Abundantly

It is a big house. I feel undeserving. I feel embarrassed to ask for so much when we already have so much. But it's the desires of my heart. To have a place to call home for me , for Paul, for "us" and especially for our children. It's a steal. We can afford it. It's a lot if work. A lot of time and money. It's the desires if my heart. I have feelings of fear and insecurity; it's just not going to work out. I've already begun a conversation in my head telling God it's ok it didn't work because He has other plans for us. Those fears and insecurities need to be overcome by the hopefulness I have. The rejoicing I already feel that this is our house. Ours. Our home for our children. A place they can grow up. Make memories. Have security. Feel settled; safe. These children are Gods children. His gifts. His gifts to us.  God wants a home for them. He wants to provide. Abundantly. For them...and for me. I want to accept it. His gifts. And then I want to give it all back. I want to serve. I want a home to serve in. What's been given to me is mine to give back. Am I giving back what I've already been given? Am I a good servant of serving already? It's the desires of my heart. But I'm afraid I've failed. GRACE. God's grace. God please grant me, grant us, the desires of our hearts. You are a perfect God. You are unchanging. You are a sovereign God. You are amazing; full of grace, all powerful, beautiful and you are The Almighty. God hear my prayer. Hear. My. Prayer. I know you love me. I know you care for me. And yet...It is hard to believe you want to bless me abundantly. Us abundantly. The blessings come each morning and I know without a doubt they are from you. But abundantly? God bless us abundantly. And teach me how to give back abundantly. 

Running With Four Kids

I didn't actually run with four kids, but I have four kids and have to find time to run around their schedules. The three "big" kids go to Day School on Tuesdays and Thursdays less than half a mile up the street.

I loaded my two year old twins into the double jogging stroller, strapped Axel, who will be 8 months tomorrow, into the Bjorn and took Lucia, my 4 year old by the hand. I loaded all the back packs and lunch boxes into the back of the stroller and off we went to school. We try to walk to school on nice days and the kids really enjoy it. I use a Sit and Stand Stroller sometimes because I can fit all four kids on it if I need too! The only problem is pushing all four, or even three up the street is a work out in itself since it is an incline all the way to school. We have to cross a busy main road, so I need control of all my little people. You never know what is going to set them off running, so it is important for me to have them all contained incase someone drops a hair bow or a toy or see's a leaf or a squirrel, they can't stop or go running after it on such a busy street if I have control of each of them.

I left the stroller at the base of the stairwell into the school and walked all the kids into their classrooms. Told them each that I loved them and would miss them. Told them I hoped they had a great day and then said goodbye. But by the time the first sentence was finished, they were all ready off into their preschool world and engulfed in whatever activity was already waiting for them. I'm pretty sure each morning I say goodbye to them once they are in the classroom, they have already forgotten I am even there. They love preschool!

I go back outside and now I am down to one child. I remove him from the Bjorn and strap him into the double jogging stroller. It would be easier to run him in the single jogging stroller, but that would mean that I'd have to take the kids to school in one of the multiple seat strollers we have, come home, get the single jogger out and then go for a run. I'm pretty sure I'd never make it out of the house a second time if I did that. So off we go in the double jogger with one child who seems a little uncomfortable, but doesn't complain too much.

The first part of my run is all up hill and then there is a lovely long gracious downhill. There are a few rolling hills after that and about the two mile mark I turn around to head home. Four miles with a big uphill right before I get home. Each terrain allowing different muscles in my legs and arms to be used, I can feel my stomach tighten and I can feel the burn. I love it. I don't love how much my back hurts when running. I flail my arms around in circles to stretch them out. I throw them side to side as I run; stretching my back. But it still hurts.

I love running. I have run since I was in middle school. I began running on the track team in seventh and eight grade. I ran track and field in high school as well, but it was really just to keep me in shape during the off season of cross country, as my passion was long distance running. Then I ran in college. And after college I began running local races, usually 5K's or 10K's. I have about 5 marathon's under my belt and a few halves. I have run in every city, state, town or country I have visited with the exception of Spain, since I was 7 months pregnant while there and I never run while pregnant.

When Paul and I found out we were pregnant for the first time we were so excited. At that time I had been running about 8 miles two or three times a week. My OB suggested that whatever I was doing before I got pregnant was what I should keep doing. So, in an effort to be the fittest pregnant momma ever I did. I was barely out of the first trimester when we lost our first baby. I will never know caused our miscarriage, but I never ran again during pregnancy.

I have run when I feel overwhelmed, hurt, angry, even tired. I have run when I've been excited, jubilated, and in celebration. One of Paul and I's first dates was out together for a run.

I know the back pain I feel during runs is not because I keep my shoulders too high nor is it because I tense up when I run. It's not because my foot placement is out of line or I'm straining certain muscles too much. It is the stresses of the days, the weeks, the months, the years. The stress of the hours and minutes of life that have kept my back tight and now are out for a run and are releasing all the toxins, all the tension. When I finally make it home huffing and puffing up the great big hill that was so gracious on the way down, I embrace the short down hill using it to cool down and then I take my sleeping infant out of the jogger and place him in his crib.

My back no longer hurts as a matter of fact it feels loose and all stretched. It's ready to absorb all the new stresses and anxieties a new day, a new week and month will bring.

Later, after I've fed a baby, folded a few loads of laundry, picked up toys, made beds and gotten dinner prepped to prepare later, I load the baby back up into the double jogging stroller and jog the short half a mile to Preschool to pick up my three "big" kids.

Their excitement and enthusiasm to see me is always overwhelming and keeps the weight lifted from my back for just a bit longer.

Enough Said

This is how the conversation went...

Ring, Ring, Ring,

"Hello, this is Charlene"
Me: Hi Charlene, this is Jenny Hardison, how are you?"
"Fine, yourself"
Me: I'm good. I'm actually calling to schedule a vasectomy for my husband".


Enough Said...

Bed Time Conversation with my 4 Year Old

L: mommy, before God created everything, how did he create Himself? 

Me: he didn't create himself, he has always existed and he was very lonely before he created the heavens and the earth. That's why he created you and he loves you. You make him very happy.

L: mommy, I really want to see God one day. 

Me: me too baby. But God does show himself to us in His beautiful creation we just have to pay close attention to see Him. We see Him  in our friends and family too because He made us in His image. We won't see all of God until we die and go to heaven. 

L: mommy, I really want to go to space and see all the planets and the stars. 

Me: well then you can start studying science and space and when you get bigger you can be an astronaut and go to space. 

L: mommy, I really want to go to Disney World too. 

Me: well that my dear will not happen until you are at least 5 years old, maybe 6. 

The Nanny Who Stole More From Me Than My Diamond Necklace andMyClothes,But In Return Gave Me a Lesson On Discernment

This is the day Lucia was born. I wore the cross
my husband gave me during her birth. It was later
stolen by my nanny.

When Lucia was first born I wanted to keep working. You can read about my work and nanny experience I wrote about here in 2011 and pay close attention to "LESSON #2" Don't trust References, since it is in regard to the nanny that stole from me.

I interviewed several nanny's that I had found on Care.com and fell in love with a sweet girl, who at the time was named H. B. During our initial meeting at Panera, a lady she babysat for happened to be there and took time to come over to our table and tell me how fabulous of a babysitter H.B. was. H.B. was from Michigan. She had been married for 7 years to Tim, who was a student at Athens State. She was also a student. Her mother lived in New Market. H.B. was also livung there, but had lived in the Hampton Cove Apartments as well. She had a really close relationship to her younger brother. She boasted about how she was studying early childhood education and had taught baby sign language to the children she had babysat for and she was bilingual. Lucia was with me when we met and she mentioned I should try using teething tablets, something I had been unfamiliar with at the time. I was sold! She was cute and sweet, knowledgeable and I liked everything about her. We negotiated back and forth a little bit about price through email and on November 10th, 2009 she started watching Lucia who was around 7 months old at the time. I paid her $216 a week to watch Lucia 3 days a week. I paid her whether I used her or not because I wanted her to have a set salary from me. Within the first few weeks of her working for me, she bought a new car. A really nice red Volvo and my husband and I joked with her that she bought a red car because she was a huge Alabama fan.

It didn't take long before I began having strange feelings about H.B. I wasn't sure if it was just being a first time mom and being away from my daughter, or if it was my "mommy-instincts" trying to tell me something. One night I opened the medicine cabinet and realized a whole bottle of children's Benadryl was practically empty. Once Lucia turned 6 months her pediatrician said we could give her a 1/2 teaspoon if she was congested and couldn't sleep. But there is no way a whole bottle should have been empty. I asked H.B. the next day if she had given Lucia any Benadryl and she said "no", without any further explanation of where it had disappeared to. So, I decided it must have spilled or something, but just to be safe, I bought a new bottle the next time I was at the store, poured a little out and marked the bottle with a marker.

I let H.B. leave early the next time she was at our house. Once she drove off I looked in the cabinet to find that the new bottle of Benadryl was practically empty. I panicked. My instincts were right. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what. What should I do? Was she giving it to Lucia? I remembered there was a day she told me Lucia had thrown up on her sheets and so she put them in the wash and changed her bedding. The wash machine hadn't started correctly like she thought, so when I went to change the wash to the dryer it was still dirty and there was pink vomit on the sheets. At the time I wondered what my 7 month old had eaten that was pink, but it never occurred to me until this moment. I really didn't know what to do, mostly because I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE that she would harm my child in anyway. I was full of anxiety.

I talked to my husband about it and he told me if there was any question at all, I needed to call her and fire her. But I couldn't. I didn't feel like I could prove anything, and let's face it, I really LIKED her. I am the one who hired her. If she was a bad person than my "mommy-instincts" when I hired her were wrong and I couldn't face all the mommy guilt of leaving my child with someone who would do bad things. I didn't want to believe it. But I was panicked. So I got on line and googled her name looking for something. I wasn't sure what I was looking for at the time, but it just took moments for me to find it.

Her husband at the time had a facebook page that was open to the public. I found it odd she had never mentioned to me in the 3 months she worked for me that he was in a wheelchair. I saw so many pictures of the two of them from several years back since they had been married over 7 years. She had gone through a huge weight loss and even in the 3 month span she worked for me she was still losing noticeable weight. His facebook talked about her leaving him a lot and coming back. It looked like they had just gotten back together when she began working for me. Which made sense why she was living in the HC apartments for a while. It also talked about when they got their van broken into while in Nashville on their Valentine's weekend there. She had told me about this and how violated they felt and weird getting back in their van after someone else had been in it.

I took this photo of H.B. off facebook in
2010. She is wearing my shirt I bought at
Franchesca's. I knew right away it was mine
because of the slice of white down the side.
My dad's wife bought the same shirt with me
and her pattern wasn't split like mine was. 

And then there it was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE, photo's of H., wearing my clothes. Talk about feeling violated. Some of the clothes I knew were missing and had been frantically searching the house for them, but never even thinking she would've taken them.  There was NO DENYING it now. She was a thief. And if she was a thief, then she was probably a liar and lied about the Benadryl. My husband had advised me to check around the house to see what else was missing. I had already known my diamond cross he gave me for our first anniversary was missing, but I had no proof she took it, and because it was all hard for me to grasp anyway I really just wanted to believe I had just misplaced it. The only way I could identify it as mine was the clasp was a bit bent out of shape from me wearing it constantly and sleeping in it.

It was 9:00 that night and I called her to let her know I didn't need her to come back the next day. I simply told her I was going to stay home and watch Lucia from now on. When her response was "ok", my heart sunk. I wanted her to say, "oh my gosh, I'll miss Lucia", or "you'll have to still call me to babysit". Or something. But her response was just "ok" and we hung up the phone. I had seen her three days a week and some weekends for the past 3 months and all she said was "ok".  As if the photo's weren't enough, the fact that she didn't care she wasn't working for us was. I had considered her a part of our family in the short time we knew her and trusted her, but she just said, "ok"???

I sent her an email a few days later on March 02, 2011 entitled "closure". You can read it here.  Email Closure

In the email I accused her of stealing from me and I asked about the missing Benadryl. I called the police to file a report, but the officer basically without receipts and proof there was little I could do.  I reported her to Care.com. It's when Care.com removed her that I received an email back from her. She mentioned nothing about the stolen items only that she took the Benadryl herself.

I saw her in the grocery store about a year ago and she was very pregnant. She also had a little boy in her cart who couldn't have been a year yet. So I knew he couldn't have been hers if she was pregnant. I stayed clear of her, but was sad that she was obviously working for another family and possibly putting their child at risk and possibly stealing from them. It made me very sad and brought up a lot of feelings I had buried.

Then just this last week, on a local "Mommy's R Us" consignment facebook page a girl posted that her family was moving and their nanny, Mrs. Paula, needed a new family to babysit. I looked up the nanny and she looked lovely. We had several friends in common from my church and with a recent inquire I received to go back to work I commented that I wanted more information about Mrs. Paula. And I corresponded with Mrs. Paula a bit.

But then I got an unsolicited private message from a different person stating that she saw I was looking for a nanny. The person's name was H. P. and with one glance at her profile picture I knew who she was. This is what her message said:

"Hey! I saw where you were looking for a nanny. Where are you located? I'd love to talk with you about the position. I was a full time nanny for a little boy from the time he was 6 weeks till he was almost 3 when my husband and I moved back to Huntsville. I used to do all kinds of different arts with him from the time he was just infant, I set up play dates, took him on walks, took him to the library, parks, zoo and did a Gymboree play & learn class with him. I also taught him baby sign language and was working with him on colors, numbers, letters and ha him potty trained by 1 1/2. I now have my own little girl who is 10 months old and do all the same with her. She already understands several signs and can do "more" when she wants more food. I made all her food until she decided she didn't want puréed food anymore and only wanted foods she could chew. We don't let her watch tv unless its absolutely needed or in the car because she hates the car!! I do all cleaning needed as well. any other questions you may have please let me know!!"

She obviously didn't realize she was sending that message to me. If she had taken one look at my profile pictures she would have not only recognized me but would've seen that I have 4 small children. How would she take 4 small children plus her baby to the zoo or on playdates or the library?
To see our full conversation go here: entire facebook convo

I replied:

"H., I'm surprised you would reach out to me. You nannied for me already and it did not end well when I discovered that you had stolen from me. Items I still would like back from you. I believe in second chances, but not when it comes to the well being of my kids. Congratulations on your new marriage and becoming a mother yourself. I hope you've matured some through the experience."

It is then that she denied her own existence saying she doesn't know me and I've mistaken her for someone else. I went through all her profile pictures and found several of her still wearing my clothes she stole and several of her with my diamond necklace on. I saved the photo's to my computer, which is a good thing, because upon her denying she was ever H. B., but that she had only been known by her maiden name, H. N., she also immediately removed all her photo's of her wearing my cross and my clothes. She stated that she only wears two necklaces in her response to me, but I have photo's of her with a third necklace on...my cross. Here is a blog I wrote about my cross and how much it meant to me:  My Cross.

Here is one of the many photo's I downloaded
before she removed them. She is wearing
my diamond cross necklace in this photo.

It wasn't just gift from my husband, but it was something we wanted to pass down to our children. It was something I wore on every special occasion, including the birth of Lucia, my first daughter. I would've worn it for the births of my other children had H. not stolen it. I would have given it to Lucia when she becomes an adult for her to pass down to her own children if H. had not stolen it. She didn't just steal from me, but from my children; from our family.


 The fact that someone has to deny who they are because the real them is too disgusting to claim is heartbreaking.

Someone who can't come clean about what they have done and who is trying to run away from themselves is heartbreaking.

I could press charges against her, however, I've made the decision not to focus on the past and not to give this person any more of my time and worry.  I have a lovely, healthy, God-fearing family that I do not want to lose sight of while minding someone else's poor behavior. I do not need people like her holding me back from enjoying the life and family that God has blessed us with.

The price of doing business with H. was losing a beautiful, expensive and meaningful necklace, a pair of my favorite seven jeans I bought in Chicago and other boutique clothes.  But in the end my first daughter who she watched is safe and healthy despite being cared for by a liar and a thief.

I write this blog post for two reasons. The first reason is because I have so much sadness, anger and anxiety in my heart I need to write it out to clear my head and thinking it all through I have been given a huge lesson in discernment. I hope I can pass this lesson on to others. Not just a lesson about trusting who you leave your children with, or to dig further even when a person is sweet in nature and looks awesome on paper, but also in whether I should pursue this issue or not.  Learning to discern what is important to me has been a big lesson. When I first texted my husband the photo of H. wearing my necklace his first response was, "that is fucking awful".  And then his second text said this: "I gave you that necklace as a representation of our love. A symbol. It does not even come close to the feelings I have for you and our children." My necklace and my clothes are not important. My family is. Discernment.

The second reason I write this blog is just in case anyone else is looking to hire a nanny, or particularly this nanny. Do your homework. And most importantly trust your instincts. Even if they change over time. Trust Yourself.

My Facebook Conversation with the Nanny who stole from me

10:56am

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Hey! I saw where you were looking for a nanny. Where are you located? I'd love to talk with you about the position. I was a full time nanny for a little boy from the time he was 6 weeks till he was almost 3 when my husband and I moved back to Huntsville. I used to do all kinds of different arts with him from the time he was just infant, I set up play dates, took him on walks, took him to the library, parks, zoo and did a Gymboree play & learn class with him. I also taught him baby sign language and was working with him on colors, numbers, letters and ha him potty trained by 1 1/2. I now have my own little girl who is 10 months old and do all the same with her. She already understands several signs and can do "more" when she wants more food. I made all her food until she decided she didn't want puréed food anymore and only wanted foods she could chew. We don't let her watch tv unless its absolutely needed or in the car because she hates the car!! I do all cleaning needed as well. any other questions you may have please let me know!!

12:26pm

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Heather, I'm surprised you would reach out to me. You nannied for me already and it did not end well when I discovered that you had stolen from me. Items I still would like back from you. I believe in second chances, but not when it comes to the well being of my kids. Congratulations on your new marriage and becoming a mother yourself. I hope you've matured some through the experience.

Saturday

10:58pm

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Heather Potvin

I'm sorry but I do not even know you. I have never been a nanny in Alabama. I was only a nanny in Michigan. I haven't lived in Alabama since I graduated high school. You have the wrong person. So please don't go talking about me to others when you have the wrong person.
Thank You.

11:25pm

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H. Brooks, I highly doubt you believe that, not to mention I have proof you worked for me. And trust me, I do not want you back in my life. It's hard enough to look at your profile pictures with you wearing the necklace my husband gave me as a very special gift the day our first daughter was born, along with other photos of you in my clothes you took from me. I trusted you dearly and was taken advantage by you. I will lay it to rest just as I did three years ago. But you my dear sent me a FB notice and put this on yourself. Please do not reply.

11:38pm

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 Potvin

No ma'am my maiden name is Heather Namati. And the necklace I wear is the one with my daughters name on it so I doubt that can be yours. And the only other necklace I ever wear is a Tiffany one from my husband that says I love you engraved on the back. And I wasn't even in Alabama 3 years ago.... So like I said, you have the wrong Heather . I was never a Heather Brooks.
I will not say anything else, but do not be telling people I worked for you when I didn't. Thank You

Email Correspondence With The Nanny

Re: closure     

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From

To

Jenny,
I never once did anything to harm Lucia. I was always caring, patient and loving with her. I would never do anything to put her in danger or any child for that matter. Whenever I gave her medicine I'd write it down or tell you about it. I had surgery a little over a year ago and am only allowed to take liquid medicine, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to take a little of the benadryl for a headache I had. But like I told you when you asked me, no I did not give her any.
Sorry it took me so long to reply, I have been sick in bed with strep throat and bronchitis.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

---

From: Jennifer

Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2010 14:21:27 -0800 (PST)

To: <

Subject: closure

H., I've been advised not to write you this email because people believe that if a person is a thief than they are also a lier and a cheat. I do not believe these things about you and therefore I've decided to compose this email. I believe that you are a genuine, nice and smart person. I trusted you with Lucia, she is our most prized possession. Maybe we are too trusting, but I hope that what I believe is true. I believe you cared for her and what I witnessed was that you were kind and patient. I choose to believe that you were this way when I was or was not around. Please tell me if I am wrong because I have started to question this based on a few other things.  There are some unanswered questions I have that I would like to know to have closure. Very early on in hiring you some of my clothes went missing. I turned the house upside down looking for them, as they are important to me. I thought that you wouldn't have possibly taken them. Against my better judgement, with some proof at hand, I now believe that you did. And if you did, I don't think this makes you a bad person, just someone who made a bad choice. I would greatly appreciate if you would return any items that you took from me immediately. You can leave them in a bag by the garage door. I've made stupid choices before myself Heather and I had to do what was right to those that I wronged. I believe that you have it in you to do what is right. Please, please, please return these items as they cannot be replaced otherwise.  Secondly, I've been very confused as to how we went through 2 bottles of children's benadryl in less than a month. On Friday I marked how full the bottle was because the first bottle seemed to disappear. Upon returning home Friday afternoon more than half the bottle was empty. This is why I asked if you gave any to Lucia. My mind immediately started to think terrible things and wondered if it was possible that you could have been giving it to Lucia to make her easier to deal with. It is a very scary thing to leave your child with someone and this made me panic. I believe that you did not give it to Lucia since that is what you said, but please tell me what happened to it for my own peace of mind. The amount that was gone is too much for even an adult dosage.  I like you very much H. and I do not judge you. I enjoyed having you at the house and I never worried about Lucia when you were there until recently which is why I am now going to stay home. Please prove to me that you are the person I thought you were when I hired you.   We went to the doctor today and she has RSV and an ear infection. The poor baby is so miserable and cannot get comfortable. I am hoping she fights it quickly and gets back to herself. The doctor said he is putting one baby a day into the hospital with RSV so we are lucky she doesn't have it that bad.  Please respond to my email out of respect and let me know that you will return anything you borrowed and please inform me on the benadryl situation.  Thanks again and I wish you the best in the future.