Thursday, September 8, 2011

A Letter To Someone I Love

Someone I love dearly just moved back in with her boyfriend for the 5 time in 4 years. I will go as far as to say that it is an abusive relationship. Maybe not physically abusive, but disturbingly manipulative and demeaning.

Here is the letter I sent her. I'm sure it will have no bearings on her choices as she does what she wants. She listens to no one except for her feelings of the moment. She blows with the wind and it is so sad to sit back and watch knowing you can't do anything to stop the wind from blowing.

She needs our prayers. She needs your prayers.

I am writing you this letter because I am concerned for you. I believe you are in an abusive relationship. He took advantage of you when you were a very young of 11 or 12. You were vulnerable and he has had control over you ever since.  

I love you and care for you dearly. I always prayed for you before you were born and when I was ten you came into my life! I was so proud to know you! We went everywhere together and I always wanted to play with you like you. I loved being with you and being around you. That never changed. Even when I went off to college I wanted you there. Mom left you at my house one summer and we had a great time horseback riding. From day one I loved you. That has not changed. You are so loving, fun-spirited and full of life. You make people feel comfortable and your silliness attracts people to want to be around you. You are free-spirited and kind to all. The love I have for you will never change.

I know you have been through some very hard times; times that are not fair for anyone to have to go through. I know you have struggled with your identity and trying to figure out where you belong and who you are. Everyone goes through this but I know it was extra hard for you. Unfortunately, you found your identity with this man, ten years older than you while you were at a young age. You're emotionally bonded and invested to him so that now in your adult age you have chosen your identity with him as his wife; his muslim wife, even though you are not legally married.   

When you break up with him you have shared with the family that he is controlling over what you wear and where you go. He does not allow you to look at other men, let alone hug another man or kiss another man on the cheek. You are to give up yourself and be there for his needs, take care of him and his household. You have stated that you feel alone and miserable every time you go back to him. How is this time going to be any different.

As soon as you break up with him, he miraculously changes (so he says and so you believe). He hunts you down calling you insesantly and says you can be and have whatever it is you want and he will be whoever you want him to be. He tells you whatever you need to hear to come back to him. The last two break ups he has told you he became a Christian and left his Muslim religion for you so that you will invite him back into your life and sadly you have done just that. You have fallen for his tricks and lies again, making you very gullible. Of course, once you are back with him, there is a honeymoon phase of being back in love before reality sets in and the same patterns start again.

There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”. Shame on you for believing him not once but all four times you’ve left him! Everyone around you can see how abusive your relationship is except for you!

Whenever you go back to him, I lose my sister. I lose my baby sister, my pride and joy. My fun loving, full of life side kick. Every time you go back my heart aches not because you are with a Muslim nor because you are disobeying God. That is between you and God only and not for me to judge. But my heart aches because I lose YOU. You become someone else that I don't know. You lose your youth, your family and your friends and you become attached to him and no one else. You usually stop going to school and stop dreaming and making goals for your future. He controls you and takes over your identity to be who he wants you to be…his wife. And we all lose you and you lose yourself. You have so much potential and you lose it all when you are with him.

He manipulates you to come back to him by telling you that he is “all alone” but the truth is when you go back to him YOU become “all alone”. He keeps you to himself and you lose your family and your friends, your dreams and your future. You lose yourself. And those around you lose who they knew you to be.

I have several text messages from you from different times when you’ve broken up with him that say you’re done doing things your way because that never works and now you are staying strong and doing what God wants. Well, here you are once again doing what you want...your words.  It is so hard to watch again and so sad to see you throwing everything you have going for you away again.

I don’t care if Sumon has become a Christian or not. That’s not the point for me. He took advantage of you when you were young. He has manipulated you and controlled you for years making you feel guilty for leaving him, guilty for doing anything with your family, guilty for not doing things “right” for him. Christian or not, he changes you and lowers your self esteem every time.

You told me that you have invested so much in him that you can’t just walk away. People have invested a lot more years in a bad relationships than you and that is no justification to stay with something that is wrong. People who continue in bad relationships are very sorry and very miserable, trapped and stuck! Should our brother continue to invest in drugs just because he has invested in them for so many years? Of course not, because they control him and turn him into something God did not intend for him. It is no different with you. Sumon is your drug; he controls you and turns you into something that God did not intend for you. I wish you could understand this, but I'm pretty sure it won't even sink in until something terrible happens again.

I understand you think you are just talking to him as a friend right now and you're "not going to date him again", but BE WARNED!!! This is his way to get you back in his life and before you can even blink you will be back in a relationship with him. These are your words from less than a week ago:
It is just annoying that I know he is not far from me, and that is what I am working through.I guess its like an addiction... i mean honestly I really dont want to be with him in a relationship, i really do not! but its hard for me to be without romance”.
“When i feel my heart aching, i apologize to God, shake it off, ask Him for help, then think of my awesome future husband and how I'll be saying," oh my gosh! I am so thankful I let Sumon go! That relationship was NOTHING and ridiculous compared to this!"

Take him off your facebook page, off your phone and move on with your life This cycle has continued too long.  You are once again going to lose yourself in him, lose your identity in Christ, your identity and trust with your family and your friends. You have to cut this crap out. You are a victim who keeps running to the arms of an abuser. It is so hard and painful to watch you do this (not once but 4 or 5 times now) as someone who loves you and always will.

You can’t say you love God and then intentionally take matters into your own hands against God’s will. I don’t know God’s will, but I can promise you God has better plans than for you then to be with someone who has proven to be controlling, demeaning, and manipulative towards you and your family. “And to the man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom! And to turn from evil is understanding.” Job 28:28 Think through your choices and weigh the consequences. You know what you have to do. So just freaking do it already. Stop these games you are playing and focus on what is important in your life. The hard thing is usually the right thing. The easy way is usually the wrong way. You are obviously taking the easy path by continuing to talk to him even though you say it doesn't mean anything else.

With all my care and concern,
Your sister